Last Sunday, 7th of July, was my
birthday and though you could not be in my house to share the fun, I prepared
something to make it up to you. It’s more fantasy and less business management
but it’s specially written for you because it captures my heartbeat. Here
goes….
As I lean forward to blow the
thirty-something candles on my cake, I shut my eyes and make a wish.
This birthday, my wish is unlike
last year’s when I prayed to be a pirate and fantasized about enjoying wild
adventures like Johnny Depp in his Pirate
of the Caribbean series; instead I wished I were an important politician in
my country, say a state governor or even the president. A tall order someone
might say, but if you live in my country or you’ve been to it, you would know
why my wish isn’t so bad. Either owing to the financial resources at their
disposal or the near-absolute powers they wield, state chief executives are just worshiped in my country.
Take for instance the events that
would take place on my birthday, if I were a governor. A flurry of activities
would have begun days before the birthday proper. Starting with different interest
groups like the market women association, road transport workers’ union and committee
of politicians’ wives calling their members for meetings to deliberate on how
to show support for me on my birthday. Each will levy its members and raise
money to purchase pricey gifts befitting of my Excellency. They will also send
some representatives to the market to buy materials that will be sewn as 'aso-ebi' (matching clothes) and worn by
all of them to the festivities when they bring their gifts.
Staff of the government house
would be at hand to fete my guests; including the kitchen staff working hard to
satisfy all palates-in-attendance with the best of dishes and wine; protocol
teams sending out invitations to guests, performers and musicians and the security
division upping their game in anticipation of a larger-than-usual crowd. Then
the airwaves come alive with paid announcements from well-wishers trying to
outdo each other as they lavish me with accolades and thank God for ‘the governor-extraordinaire
He has blessed their fortunate state with’. And finally the newspaper houses,
now besieged by well-wishers clamouring for the center spreads to display my birthday
greetings, auction it to whoever has the deeper pocket, while the less-loaded
ones settle for the less desirable half-pages next to the obituary section.
But amid all the hysteria,
tributes and gift showers, I remind myself that it’s all an act; a
scratch-my-back-and-I’ll-scratch-yours charade. I refuse to be deceived that I am
that loved by these people or where were they during my pre-governor birthdays?
I realize that favours by way of contracts and political appointments are what these
people crave. As I continue my fantasy, I tell myself that the celebrations must
go on, whether they love me or not or whether they want to exploit me or not; but
I am going to introduce a twist to this birthday. I will make it so different
it will be my most significant one.
I will stun all the well-wishers
bent on taking advantage of my position to enrich themselves and also shock the
indifferent electorate with goodies coming their way. Firstly, weeks before my
birthday, I will get my PR staff to drop hints through the rumour mill that I
would be on the lookout for well-wishers so as to reward them with juicy deals.
Then I will begin to work quotes implying payback for all loyal friends into
all my speeches.
Next, I will compile a list of
foundations and agencies that have been proven to deliver on job creation and
micro grant disbursement initiatives and instruct the protocol team to include it
in the invitations and direct that all funds earmarked for purchasing gifts for
me, buying ad time on radio stations or ad space in the dailies be donated to
them on my behalf and a receipt of their donations forwarded to the office of
my chief of staff. The strong-worded directive will explain that my displeasure
will be expressed at any gift provider who insists on offering them to me or
well-wishers bent on flattering me in the newspapers. Ask me what a governor
needs a collection of expensive artworks, stacks of premium home appliances and
several $137,500 Range Rover HSE gifts
for, when he is sated with all the luxuries you can ever imagine? Or, of what
use is spending over $12,000 just to splash my smiley face across the centre
spread, if not to massage an over-sized ego?
Imagine the deluge of resources
that will inundate these foundations, courtesy of my canniness and at no cost
to me! In a country where there are more graduates than vacancies and more job
applications are written than appointment letters, imagine how my ratings will surge
at the polls without any corresponding publicity stunt expenses! Wow, I’m
enjoying this wish!
My select list will feature organizations
like Dangote Foundation and MFIs that have demonstrated an impact on people’s
lives like Self-Reliance Economic Advancement programme (SEAP). I will summon
their MDs and inform them in advance that the contributions coming their way
are for the sole purpose of empowering my constituency with jobs and grants to
set up small scale enterprises and family businesses. Dangote is a household
name in Nigeria for job-creation and community development and I will reach an
agreement with the foundation’s MD to come up with creative entrepreneurial initiatives
to put a dent in the unemployment figures of my state. SEAP and the like organize
traders and small enterprises into cooperative unions for easy monitoring and
sustainability and provide them with unsecured loans to do business.
As I puff to blow out the last
candle on my cake, my family and friends chorus “For He Is A Jolly Good Fellow,”
I open my eyes and realize that it’s all a wish, a fantasy.
Hmmm...good fantasy though and well laid out plan. The little I know about MDG's or naija foundations even d so called trustworthy one's is that they do №† use the full resources donated for the said purpose they were given such. You might say oh will give international foundations, international foundations will assess and shortlist our so called CBO's (community basedorganisations)to carry out whatever is intended to be the project to help the constituency, naija CBO's are just like regular LGA offices who come on pay day, show fake pictures of work done, pay some random peeps to ACT a script that in truth these so called projects were carried out. My argument is this, I for one don't trust any naija foundation...have had my experience working with NGO's and I can only say (stand to be corrected though)that only 1% of Naija NGO's do what they are meant to do with the funds and donations. Any project I want to do for any community I will supervise M̶̲̥̅γ̲̣̣̥self and do the whole work.An example I know is my university, a former student who's made(wealthy) donated classrooms and staff offices to the school, he was asked to donated the money, but he refused, he drew the plan, the school approved, he built the buildings himself according to standard and gave the keys to the school. Many top organisations have given government, NGO's money to build roads etc and till date, no money refunded, no road and so on. That's my piece... №† only do I don't want psychophants to waste praises and gifts unnecessarily on me, I do №† trust any NGO by a naija person.
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